52 minutes as the Worst. Mom. Ever.

***This was the best picture I could find... it really should say "EVER" rather than "OF THE YEAR" :)***

Worst. Mom. Ever.  This is a title I wish I had never held.  A title I'm embarrassed to admit I've ever been associated with.   But, I have worn this crown.  Today I held the title for about 7 minutes.  And I can remember about 5 other times when I've been there.  And, I'm sure I've forgotten about at least another 3-4 times.  So, altogether, I think I've officially been the WORST MOM EVER for at least about 52 minutes. Worst 52 minutes of my parenting life. 

Today it happened in a store. We had just had an awesome trip to the hair salon (all 4 kids got haircuts) and then made a "quick" stop at the store to get a gift.  When we went in, we were the only ones there.  My first mistake was that I let them play "quietly" with a few of the balls there.  This started to get more and more out of control, and I got less and less decisive about what to purchase. I'm going to leave out a few details, but let's just say that I left the store with 2 screaming kids, and 2 more that were upset. I got everyone in the car.  First, I lectured.  One child started to talk back to me. Then, I yelled.  Yep, you read that right.  I'm not proud of it.  In fact, I'm downright embarrassed.  But, it's true and I want to be transparent.  After that, I started to cry.  Sob.  It was ridiculous, actually!  And then... Silence.

More Silence.

By the time we got home, I had settled down.  I had gone from WORST MOM EVER to just NOT QUITE JESUS-LIKE MOM.  We pulled in the driveway and I told the kids they needed to go to their rooms.  The older two needed to write or draw about the way we should act in a store or out in public.  10 minutes later, they were allowed out of time-out.  They handed me their papers.  Apologies were accepted and we went on with our night.

But, I didn't feel better.  I felt sad.  Guilty.  Frustrated.  Alone.  Embarrassed.  Worn out.

I sincerely hope that you have never worn this crown.  But, I suspect that I'm not alone.  Whether we are in our 52 minutes of the WORST MOM EVER or the other 1000's of minutes of "NOT QUITE JESUS-LIKE MOM" we can rest in the fact that there is HOPE.  There is GRACE.  There is LOVE.  EVEN in the worst of times.  Actually, ESPECIALLY in the worst of times.

Matthew 11:28- 30 (The Message)
28 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. 29 Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 30 Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Jesus, I need you.  I'm frustrated.  I'm tired.  I having an evening where the minutes seem like hours.  I'm not enjoying these precious gifts you gave me.  Quite honestly, I just want them to go to sleep so we can start fresh in the morning.  Jesus, you know me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. You know the desires of my heart.  You know the mom that I want to be.  I want to know you and I want my kids to know you. Jesus, fill me with your love so I can love the way you want me to... And, PLEASE, let my oldest child fall asleep quickly...  Amen...