Lately I've had a new focus on trying to get my body back in shape. I don't have time for "The Biggest Loser" kind of focus, but I've been working hard to stick with it. Not only for my physical health, but my emotional health as well (and the sanity of those who interact with me every day!) It has been going pretty well, and really has started becoming a normal part of my routine. I've been mostly committed and seeing some results.
Well, yesterday, it came time to run. I knew I needed to do it. I knew I would be glad that I did it. BUT I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT! The truth is, I'm going through some rough stuff (as most of us do at one time or another!) and my feeling was "NO WAY!!!" After some serious battling with myself, I decided to head out for a jog around the "loop" by my house. 1.8 miles. It has a big hill up about halfway, and then a big hill down. It's usually enough that I feel like I've at least done something, but not horrible. So, off I go.
And about 3/4 of a mile in I see the big hill. And I'm telling you, I chocked up. I literally almost cried. I just didn't want to do this. My body was filled with the emotions of the "stuff" in life, and I just felt like I couldn't do it. But, I kept going. I thought, "no pain, no gain, right?" I prayed "Ok God, help me get through this." And, then this came over me...
Without Good Friday, there would never be Easter Sunday.
That may seem like it had nothing to do with running, but it had everything to do with what was holding me back. There are parts of life that really seem like there is NOTHING good about them. We feel discouraged. We feel defeated. We feel alone. While all of our situations in life differ, one thing rings true across the board.We look at that hill and think, "there is NO WAY I want to do this."
Mark 14:33-36
He (Jesus) took Peter, James, and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death," he said to them. "Stay here and keep watch."
Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him, "Abba, Father," he said "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."
Even Jesus felt sorrow. Trouble. Distress. It's easy for us to call today "Good Friday" because we have experienced the joy of the new life it brings. We have know the joy of Resurrection Sunday. But, really, there was nothing good about today. There was nothing that felt good in the moment about Jesus being nailed to the cross. And today, there is nothing that feels good about facing life's issues head on. But, sometimes... Without trouble, there isn't healing. Without death, there isn't life. Without Good Friday, there wouldn't be an Easter Morning.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
52 minutes as the Worst. Mom. Ever.
***This was the best picture I could find... it really should say "EVER" rather than "OF THE YEAR" :)***
Today it happened in a store. We had just had an awesome trip to the hair salon (all 4 kids got haircuts) and then made a "quick" stop at the store to get a gift. When we went in, we were the only ones there. My first mistake was that I let them play "quietly" with a few of the balls there. This started to get more and more out of control, and I got less and less decisive about what to purchase. I'm going to leave out a few details, but let's just say that I left the store with 2 screaming kids, and 2 more that were upset. I got everyone in the car. First, I lectured. One child started to talk back to me. Then, I yelled. Yep, you read that right. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I'm downright embarrassed. But, it's true and I want to be transparent. After that, I started to cry. Sob. It was ridiculous, actually! And then... Silence.
More Silence.
By the time we got home, I had settled down. I had gone from WORST MOM EVER to just NOT QUITE JESUS-LIKE MOM. We pulled in the driveway and I told the kids they needed to go to their rooms. The older two needed to write or draw about the way we should act in a store or out in public. 10 minutes later, they were allowed out of time-out. They handed me their papers. Apologies were accepted and we went on with our night.
But, I didn't feel better. I felt sad. Guilty. Frustrated. Alone. Embarrassed. Worn out.
I sincerely hope that you have never worn this crown. But, I suspect that I'm not alone. Whether we are in our 52 minutes of the WORST MOM EVER or the other 1000's of minutes of "NOT QUITE JESUS-LIKE MOM" we can rest in the fact that there is HOPE. There is GRACE. There is LOVE. EVEN in the worst of times. Actually, ESPECIALLY in the worst of times.
Matthew 11:28- 30 (The Message)
28 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. 29 Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. 30 Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Jesus, I need you. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I having an evening where the minutes seem like hours. I'm not enjoying these precious gifts you gave me. Quite honestly, I just want them to go to sleep so we can start fresh in the morning. Jesus, you know me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You know the desires of my heart. You know the mom that I want to be. I want to know you and I want my kids to know you. Jesus, fill me with your love so I can love the way you want me to... And, PLEASE, let my oldest child fall asleep quickly... Amen...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Hiccup!
While Barak and I lived in Colorado I worked at Focus on the Family. Every morning we would have a short devotion and prayer time with our team. One lady kept asking us to pray for her brother who was a recovering addict. We had been praying for him during this recovery process and been praising God for how well he was doing. One day she said that he was struggling again. I talked briefly to her personally after our prayer time. When I asked how she felt about her brother's struggle, she said that it was hard, and she was sad, but that it was "Just a Hiccup." A small setback. She had no doubt God would keep working and her brother would get back on his journey to God.
The title of this blog is "Happy New You." I started it to use as a way for me to process through and share my journey of becoming the most Christ-like me as possible. I shared some goals and was really working towards them. Well, God has done a lot of work in me and I have made progress in a lot of ways. However, I am nowhere near where I want to be. I have fallen short in so many areas. I've had days where I've had an extremely messy house, gone overboard on the eating of chocolate bars, lost my temper with my kids, and skipped exercise because I "just didn't feel like it." The HICCUPS.
In these moments it is easy to feel discouraged, and to want to give up. But, hiccups are temporary. We needn't give up. Instead, we need to stop in our tracks and turn to God. Take a deep breath of His grace. Sit in His peace. Ask for His wisdom. Pray for His power. And begin again. Happy New You, friends! :)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Daddy Date Night
Today I am cashing in a Christmas present and going on a date with my Dad. We're going to see Bill Cosby live and then out to dinner. My family grew up on the "The Cosby Show" and I am so excited to spend some one-on-one time with my dad. 
I must say that I have been extremely blessed by having the dad that I have. I know that many do not have such a relationship. I have always been close to my dad, and I know that it was not an accident. As far back as I can remember my dad has always made an extreme effort make me (and my brother!) a priority. And looking back, I see that the reason we are so close is because he always made an effort to care about what I cared about. He made me feel special. He listened to me, dreamed with me, and walked through the everyday moments of life completely engaged. He helped me win a science fair (Yay for "The Six Simple Machines!) He built the set for my 4th grade church musical debut (Save Colby's Clubhouse!) He drove my friends to the bowling alley in middle school (In the station wagon... with the seat in the back that faced backwards... Oh, yeah!) In High School, he even took me shopping for a Semi-formal dress! My dad was always very strict (I LITERALLY did not ever watch a PG-13 movie until I was 13. My friends can attest to this.) But, because I knew he loved me so much and respected him I usually ;) obeyed the rules. Don't get me wrong, we have had a few rough times. I have hurt his feelings (like when we got to Girl Scout camp and instead of asking him to walk me in I said "you can go now dad." Ouch!) He has upset me, but we have always remained close.
In college one of my professors, Dr. Paul Fetters, said "The most important decision you will EVER make for your children is who their dad will be." That one line greatly impacted me. I always knew I wanted to marry someone who would be an awesome father like my dad, but this really hit home. When I met Barak he was living with his sister and 3 year old Nephew. From the moment I saw them together I knew that he would be a good dad. And now, 10 years and 4 kids later, he has become an amazing dad to our kids. One of his best qualities as a dad is that he is constantly thinking through how are kids must feel or think about different situations, as well as how what is happening today will affect our future. Many times he has said to me "I bet Hannah feels...." "I think Joshua is acting that way because...." "I think Gideon needs some extra time with dad..." "I think Selah feels left out..." He has carried on the "Daddy date" tradition and loves taking Hannah out and spending quality time with Selah. Our boys LOVE that I'm having a date with my dad because if means "BOYS NIGHT!" for them.
Barak often has to remind me NOT to talk about certain things in front of the kids (like how terrible a dentist visit was!) And something that has spoken volumes to me is that he has literally NEVER been upset over a messy house when he knew I was spending quality time taking care of the kids.Like every marriage, we have had ups and downs in life, but no matter what we were going through, he always kept the kids a priority. I know that our kids have absolutely NO doubt that their dad loves them and wants the best for them. For that, I am so grateful. I'm sure when my girls are married have kids of their own (Oh my! I'm not ready to even THINK about that!!!) they will love dating their dad too!
I know that this blog is getting crazy long, but I just have to say a few more things. I know that there are many single moms who struggle with the fact that their child's father is not involved. I will not pretend to know what you are going through. However, I do know that there are men who are willing to be a positive example in your child's life. My dad has been a Boy Scout leader (and is now a Scoutmaster) for almost 20 years (and 8 of those were after my brother had graduated out of the program.) And last, not to go all "spiritual" on us, but no matter what our relationship with our earthly father was or is like, our Heavenly Father absolutely wants to spend time with us every day. He wants to love on us. He cares about or future. He wants the best for us. He wants a "Daddy date" with you!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Have you seen HER?!
*These are not the actual PJ pants. Just a dramatazation* :)
Yes, I was the one at the gas station in PJ pants this morning. But before you judge, hear me out. I got less than four hours of sleep. And, I made getting my older two kids to school on time a priority over what I was wearing. Can you grant me a little GRACE?!
I am so very far from perfect. EVERYDAY I am reminded of this. I'm not just talking about the "Big" stuff, I'm talking about the small imperfections that seem to plague my everyday life. For example:
~ The wearing of PJ pants to the gas station
~ My tantrum throwing child. Full out, on the floor screaming in the grocery store.
~ Forgetting to put my 2011 registration sticker on my license plate and getting pulled over. Twice.
~ The sink that is overflowing with dishes
~ My Christmas lights that are still hanging outside (Sorry neighbors!)
~ The fact that my son is watching TV at this very second so that I can write this blog.
~ Being the last one in the preschool line (I mean, someone has to be... But no one wants to be, right?!)
This list could literally go on for pages. PAGES! I may be the only one, but I just do not have it all together all of the time (umm... or ever!)
Though I won't usually come right out and say it, I know when I am falling short. It is often unproductive to tell me how I'm doing something wrong. I usually know and already feel terrible about it. Hearing whispers behind my back or getting comments implying that someone else could do a better job being me than me isn't going to help the situation. (Disclaimer: there are certain situations where confrontation out of love is called for... but not in these pj wearing instances!)
Living through these imperfections has giving me incredible gratitude for the GRACE that has been showered over me ~ especially through this season of raising small children. While (of course!) I am ultimately the most thankful for the GRACE I have received through Christ, that's not what has tugged at my heart this morning. I'm talking about the times that people grant GRACE in the everyday moments of life.
~The neighbors haven't pounded on the door yet warning us to take down those lights (or else!~ although that may be coming soon.)
~ The cop let me go with a warning. Twice. (and yes, same cop!)
~ I have friends that are willing to tread their way through the mess and drink a cup of coffee while I do the dishes.
~My son's preschool director always hugs me and tells me what a great mom I am. She embodies what it means to be an encourager and I always feel good when I'm around her.
(Again the list could go on for pages of the way I have been granted GRACE!)
Whenever we come in contact with someone we have a choice of the way we will treat them. We can choose to judge, gossip, and build OURSELVES up by thinking "Wow, I'm better than that." OR, we can extend GRACE. We can put ourselves in their shoes. We can offer support instead of judgement. We can listen instead of gossip. We can choose to believe that they are doing the best they possibly can at that moment, and to let go of the rest.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 says:
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Let's be on the same team. Let's build each other up so that we can be the best we can be. Let's focus on each other's strength's instead of each other's weaknesses. And as we experience GRACE, let's all get in the habit of extending GRACE... as Christ did for us.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Rubber Gloves and Diarrhea
***DISCLAIMER: If you are offended by the title of this blog, then you best just move on. I hesitated writing this, but friends, this is real life! And I am using this blog as sort of a journal and I definitely needed to remember this!***
Do you know what no one tells you about motherhood? (Besides the netted underwear... but that's for another day!) All of the crap that you will encounter along the way! I'm not talking about the metaphorical "whining, crying, disobeying" crap. I'm talking about the literal poop. The diapers, the potty training, the accidents, the wiping of the bottoms... AND, Diarrhea. (Oh my, I am actually laughing just putting this into words. But, isn't it soooo true?!)
Tonight around 6:00, my sweet 4 year old Joshua said that he didn't feel well. He laid down on a blanket and pillow near Barak and I and fell asleep. About half an hour later he woke up and had thrown up. Oh no! I thought we were through all of this! I got him in the bath, put the blanket and clothes in the washer and settled him in on the couch with a bowl. :( Before I go on, let me just say that he is such an amazing boy when he is sick. He takes it very well. He stays in good spirits and I feel so badly for him.
Joshua got sick a few more times and then said "Mom. I'm sorry but I pooped my pants." (Note, Joshua is fully potty trained, but hey! Diarrhea is a whole different game.) So I changed his underwear and convinced him to wear a pull up. About 10 minutes later, another accident. So, I took him into the bathroom and took off the pull-up to change him. Just as I was throwing it away, he started to throw up. So, I grabbed the bowl and he squated down and used the bowl. Well, this is wear it got gross. While he was squatting he had a huge #2 accident. I told him it was ok, and had him move over while I started to clean up. As he moved it happened again! We're talking the floor, walls, everything! (I know, a little too much info. Sorry!) I got him cleaned up and put him in the bathtub again. Then grabbed a roll of paper-towels (This was NO time to be eco-friendly) and my rubber gloves. I finally got most of it cleaned up and was down to the disinfecting portion of my clean up. I'm on my hands and knees with rubber gloves and trash bag full of stinky paper towels and look up to see Selah drawing on a Magna-Doodle in bed. Then she says "Look at my picture mom! The girl pooped all over the sink! GROSS!"
That was it. My disgust and exhaustion turned to laughter. I laughed and laughed. I just stopped and thought "Is this really happening?! Hilarious!" And all the while my sweet Joshua just quietly took his bath.
A few minutes later I got him out and settled back on the couch. He finally fell asleep and I thought "It is all SO worth it. Crap and all." I <3 my sweet Joshua (and the other three too!)
Do you know what no one tells you about motherhood? (Besides the netted underwear... but that's for another day!) All of the crap that you will encounter along the way! I'm not talking about the metaphorical "whining, crying, disobeying" crap. I'm talking about the literal poop. The diapers, the potty training, the accidents, the wiping of the bottoms... AND, Diarrhea. (Oh my, I am actually laughing just putting this into words. But, isn't it soooo true?!)
Tonight around 6:00, my sweet 4 year old Joshua said that he didn't feel well. He laid down on a blanket and pillow near Barak and I and fell asleep. About half an hour later he woke up and had thrown up. Oh no! I thought we were through all of this! I got him in the bath, put the blanket and clothes in the washer and settled him in on the couch with a bowl. :( Before I go on, let me just say that he is such an amazing boy when he is sick. He takes it very well. He stays in good spirits and I feel so badly for him.
Joshua got sick a few more times and then said "Mom. I'm sorry but I pooped my pants." (Note, Joshua is fully potty trained, but hey! Diarrhea is a whole different game.) So I changed his underwear and convinced him to wear a pull up. About 10 minutes later, another accident. So, I took him into the bathroom and took off the pull-up to change him. Just as I was throwing it away, he started to throw up. So, I grabbed the bowl and he squated down and used the bowl. Well, this is wear it got gross. While he was squatting he had a huge #2 accident. I told him it was ok, and had him move over while I started to clean up. As he moved it happened again! We're talking the floor, walls, everything! (I know, a little too much info. Sorry!) I got him cleaned up and put him in the bathtub again. Then grabbed a roll of paper-towels (This was NO time to be eco-friendly) and my rubber gloves. I finally got most of it cleaned up and was down to the disinfecting portion of my clean up. I'm on my hands and knees with rubber gloves and trash bag full of stinky paper towels and look up to see Selah drawing on a Magna-Doodle in bed. Then she says "Look at my picture mom! The girl pooped all over the sink! GROSS!"
That was it. My disgust and exhaustion turned to laughter. I laughed and laughed. I just stopped and thought "Is this really happening?! Hilarious!" And all the while my sweet Joshua just quietly took his bath.
A few minutes later I got him out and settled back on the couch. He finally fell asleep and I thought "It is all SO worth it. Crap and all." I <3 my sweet Joshua (and the other three too!)
Oops!
I decided to follow the old saying... "Don't cry over spilled milk." :)
Saturday, March 19, 2011
All My Lovies
Tonight as the kids were in bed Hannah said "Don't forget my 'stuffy.' Selah asked for her build-a-bear named Carly, and while I was looking for her I found Joshua's special blanket and stuffed animal. And I started thinking, "You know what? I'm not only responsible for my four children. I am basically the pseudo mom/caregiver for Buddy, Sheepy, Care Bears Covers, Flowers Covers, Doggie, Kitty, Blankie, Carly, and Polka Dot Covers. They must always be accounted for. And sometimes I have to "feed" them, wash them, hold them, and carry them around just like they were one of my own. I don't mind (usually!), because they mean so much to my kids.
I love how loved they feel when they have all of their "lovies." Buddy, Sheepy, Doggie, Kitty, and Carly never cease to show love to my kids. (And yes, I know they are stuffed animals, and can never truly show the kind of love that God can use me to show him) BUT... when I see the way Joshua hugs his blanket and Doggie, I know that the love he feels from them is very real to him. My desire? To show true, Godly love to those that I love. And trust me, I have a LONG way to go.
Lord, help me to embody true love to my husband, my children, my family, my friends, and all those that may cross my path. Even when it is so incredibly difficult...
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. 6 It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.... 13 There are three things that will endure -- faith, hope, and love -- and the greatest of these is love. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:3-7, 13
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
You're Not My Mother
This morning I was reading Mark, Chapter 3. Jesus has appointed the twelve disciples, and then goes into a house. A crowd gathered there, enough people that "he and his disciples were not even able to eat." (Funny to me that this is how they tell us how crowded it is... Thinking about food!) Anyway, then Jesus teaches a lesson. But, that wasn't what caught my attention this morning, so I'm going to skip to the next part.
Mark 3:31-35
"Then Jesus' mother and brother arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him. "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you."
"Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked.
Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."
So, Jesus is making an important point here. He is putting priority on following God, not family tradition. He is showing that by following Him we are a family, a community.
But, my mama heart was offended for a brief moment. To quote Stephanie Tanner from Full House, "How rude?!" I played out how I would have felt "You know what? You may be God's Son, but I still birthed you into this world. I fed you, clothed you, and now it's as it you're saying "You're not My Mother! Hmph."
The Bible doesn't say anything about how Jesus' mother responded, but it does seem as though she always puts God's will in Jesus' life first. Imagine the sacrifice she made while watching Jesus carry out his calling? You may recall another time when she doesn't know where Jesus is and he is teaching in the temple. Imagine the trust she had to put in God to let her baby follow him. Jesus was God in human form, but Mary wasn't. I'm sure she fought some of the same feelings we do today. Feelings of wanting to control each moment of our kid's lives, of wanting to make choices for them, and of wanting to be at the top of his priority list.
My prayer after reading this... "Lord, help me to put YOUR will first in my kid's lives~ even when it means I have to step out of the way."
Mark 3:31-35
"Then Jesus' mother and brother arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him. "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you."
"Who are my mother and my brothers?" he asked.
Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother."
So, Jesus is making an important point here. He is putting priority on following God, not family tradition. He is showing that by following Him we are a family, a community.
But, my mama heart was offended for a brief moment. To quote Stephanie Tanner from Full House, "How rude?!" I played out how I would have felt "You know what? You may be God's Son, but I still birthed you into this world. I fed you, clothed you, and now it's as it you're saying "You're not My Mother! Hmph."
The Bible doesn't say anything about how Jesus' mother responded, but it does seem as though she always puts God's will in Jesus' life first. Imagine the sacrifice she made while watching Jesus carry out his calling? You may recall another time when she doesn't know where Jesus is and he is teaching in the temple. Imagine the trust she had to put in God to let her baby follow him. Jesus was God in human form, but Mary wasn't. I'm sure she fought some of the same feelings we do today. Feelings of wanting to control each moment of our kid's lives, of wanting to make choices for them, and of wanting to be at the top of his priority list.
My prayer after reading this... "Lord, help me to put YOUR will first in my kid's lives~ even when it means I have to step out of the way."
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I Hired Myself
Last week I woke up on my "day off" and knew that I had to clean the house. I was absolutely NOT in the mood. I threw in a load of laundry and found $5. Woohoo! At that moment I had a genius thought...
this is what I posted on facebook:
I really did pretend to get hired, and I went to work! I turned up the music (Um, yeah, and turned on Elmo for the kids) and started cleaning. And, even though I don't enjoy cleaning, I loved making our house look and feel good.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men"
~Colossians 3:23
Even the jobs that we love have parts to them that we don't like. But, we do always have a choice. To work with all of our hearts, or to go through life half-hearted. I have lived and worked many a day without all of my heart in it, but my desire and goal is to work as if working for the Lord.
To do every dish, every load of laundry, every report, with all of my heart. Hmm... maybe I should be doing dishes instead of writing this blog?!
I really did pretend to get hired, and I went to work! I turned up the music (Um, yeah, and turned on Elmo for the kids) and started cleaning. And, even though I don't enjoy cleaning, I loved making our house look and feel good.
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men"
~Colossians 3:23
Even the jobs that we love have parts to them that we don't like. But, we do always have a choice. To work with all of our hearts, or to go through life half-hearted. I have lived and worked many a day without all of my heart in it, but my desire and goal is to work as if working for the Lord.
To do every dish, every load of laundry, every report, with all of my heart. Hmm... maybe I should be doing dishes instead of writing this blog?!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Gideon's Letter
This morning Gideon and I were finishing up some school work from the sick days he had missed. We got to a paper where he had to write a letter. He said "Who should I write it to?" I said "Anyone you want," (mostly because I wanted him to get on with the assignment! It was time to get moving!)
Not surprisingly, he chose Dad. He has a great relationship with Barak and his letter blessed my heart.
Almost brings tears every time I read it :)
Then, wouldn't you know... a few minutes later this same kid and his sister were arguing and "exchanging words" that weren't quite as kind. Before you know it, I'm chiming in. "If you say another mean word, you will lose 10 pennies and have a time-out." (We have been doing this thing where they all work to put pennies in a jar to fill it up. When it's full we will do something fun. I will admit I haven't been as consistent as I should've been, but whenever I am it works well for them.) There were words. There were time-outs. Pennies were taken away. I had to step away because I was frustrated. This was not how our mornings were supposed to go. This was not how my children were supposed to talk to one another. I wasn't supposed to be raising my voice about that. UGH! Then I remembered something Michelle Duggar had said (Remember, mama of 19 kids. I'm an admirer of many of her principles...not the wearing skirts part.) She said she had heard to "Make sure you praise your children 10 times more than you correct them."
My aha moment, "I have got to get back to being positive!" So, I stopped and told them how much I loved them and how I desired for us to be a close family who builds each other up. I'm sure all they heard was "Wa wa wa wa... wa wa wa wa..." ;) But, I was inspired! Then I told them that they would get a penny for every time they said something kind to each other. Only rules, it didn't count if they were talking to me and they couldn't say the same kind thing twice. That sounds kind of bad now that I put it in writing, but you get the drift.
They were all about it. I heard "I love you Hannah. I love you Gideon. You are a nice brother. You are a good artist." And the whole mood changed.
How powerful words are.
Then, tonight at church, a high school student was telling her mom and I about youth group. She was excited and said that the youth pastor was talking about how God never says bad things to us or beats us up, and that he (the youth pastor) referred to his own son and how he would NEVER say mean things to him.
Gulp. I thought, "I wish I could say I had never said anything I wish I wouldn't have to my children."
They are the most precious gifts and there have been times that I have gotten caught up in the moment and said something I regretted. Honestly, I don't think I've ever said anything that they really remember or that was traumatic or permanently damaging. But, I have used tones that were not called for, and words that were definitely less than Christ-like.
When I pulled in to my driveway tonight I got out of my car and literally heard yelling down the street. It was the sound of some kids and parents arguing. I felt so sad for the kids, and for the parents.
All day today I have been reminded of how my words and my attitude affect others~ especially my children. I can be an outpouring of love, much like Gideon's letter, or I can "let 'em have it" as I heard when I go out of my car. I can teach my kids to build each other up, or I can join in the party of knocking others down.
My desire is to share the light and love of Christ to my kids through a joyful heart and words that build them up and let them know that they are loved. My prayer is that of Psalm 19:14:
14 May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Not surprisingly, he chose Dad. He has a great relationship with Barak and his letter blessed my heart.
Almost brings tears every time I read it :)
Then, wouldn't you know... a few minutes later this same kid and his sister were arguing and "exchanging words" that weren't quite as kind. Before you know it, I'm chiming in. "If you say another mean word, you will lose 10 pennies and have a time-out." (We have been doing this thing where they all work to put pennies in a jar to fill it up. When it's full we will do something fun. I will admit I haven't been as consistent as I should've been, but whenever I am it works well for them.) There were words. There were time-outs. Pennies were taken away. I had to step away because I was frustrated. This was not how our mornings were supposed to go. This was not how my children were supposed to talk to one another. I wasn't supposed to be raising my voice about that. UGH! Then I remembered something Michelle Duggar had said (Remember, mama of 19 kids. I'm an admirer of many of her principles...not the wearing skirts part.) She said she had heard to "Make sure you praise your children 10 times more than you correct them."
My aha moment, "I have got to get back to being positive!" So, I stopped and told them how much I loved them and how I desired for us to be a close family who builds each other up. I'm sure all they heard was "Wa wa wa wa... wa wa wa wa..." ;) But, I was inspired! Then I told them that they would get a penny for every time they said something kind to each other. Only rules, it didn't count if they were talking to me and they couldn't say the same kind thing twice. That sounds kind of bad now that I put it in writing, but you get the drift.
They were all about it. I heard "I love you Hannah. I love you Gideon. You are a nice brother. You are a good artist." And the whole mood changed.
How powerful words are.
Then, tonight at church, a high school student was telling her mom and I about youth group. She was excited and said that the youth pastor was talking about how God never says bad things to us or beats us up, and that he (the youth pastor) referred to his own son and how he would NEVER say mean things to him.
Gulp. I thought, "I wish I could say I had never said anything I wish I wouldn't have to my children."
They are the most precious gifts and there have been times that I have gotten caught up in the moment and said something I regretted. Honestly, I don't think I've ever said anything that they really remember or that was traumatic or permanently damaging. But, I have used tones that were not called for, and words that were definitely less than Christ-like.
When I pulled in to my driveway tonight I got out of my car and literally heard yelling down the street. It was the sound of some kids and parents arguing. I felt so sad for the kids, and for the parents.
All day today I have been reminded of how my words and my attitude affect others~ especially my children. I can be an outpouring of love, much like Gideon's letter, or I can "let 'em have it" as I heard when I go out of my car. I can teach my kids to build each other up, or I can join in the party of knocking others down.
My desire is to share the light and love of Christ to my kids through a joyful heart and words that build them up and let them know that they are loved. My prayer is that of Psalm 19:14:
14 May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tears on the Scale
Ha! I know what you are thinking. She got on the scale and started crying. Sorry, no such luck. Due to a week of illness in my house, I personally just avoided the scale (because I use the scale at the YMCA and I didn't make it to the Y this week!)
No, the tears I'm talking about came from the show "The Biggest Loser." Anybody else watch this show? I LOVE it. I used to watch it while eating a bowl (or two) of ice cream. Now, I'm taking big steps to eating popcorn while watching the show. Anyway, this week they had the dreaded "Red Line" at the weigh in . After all of the contestants weighed in, who ever had the least percentage of weight loss dropped below the Red Line and were automatically sent home. As the beginning of the show is happening they keep showing this girl and her dad working out. He does not want her to fall below the red line so he is on her all week to make sure she is working extra hard. She is one of the smallest girls there so he was concerned. They show him waking her up at 5:30 a.m. and hitting the gym. There are three other parents there with their kids. They are also extremely concerned about their kids going home before they do. Ok, there's the set up.
So, it's time for the weigh-in and blah, blah, blah a few people go, then it's time for the girl and her dad. She loses 7 lbs and he loses 11 lbs. You ROCK! Then the other dad... He gains 2 lbs. The first mom... Gains 1 lb. The second mom.. GAINS 8 POUNDS. Her daughter starts crying. Awesome drama for NBC. And then she explains. "Allison, you are a mom..." and begins to tell how she just could not let her daughter or one of these "kids" go home. She said the reason her daughter had the problem in the first place was because of her, and she wanted to make sure she got the chance to finish the change.
The rest of the contestants are crying. I am crying. Wow.
(This is the BEFORE picture of Deni and her daughter. She had lost a ton before she left)
First of all, Kudos to her for telling the truth. There have been many times in this show where people obviously throw the weigh-in and they won't admit it. Like they can fool all of America. Sorry, I digressed. ;) What a sacrificial gift. It definitely tugged on my mom heart. She loved her daughter enough to put her first. I think for most moms, if it could ever be you instead of them, you would take it. My kids are little and I already have felt this way so many times. I don't want them to experience physical hurt, emotional pain, disapointment or failure.
After the crying stopped they showed a clip of the dad who lost 11 lbs. He said something to the effect of "sure it was nice what she did, but she went about it the wrong way." He didn't want his daughter to go home and so he pushed her. He didn't take three steps back just in case she had a bad week. He helped make sure she had done the work for a good week.
Let's not get into a discussion about whether the other girls did all they could, or who was right, or who was wrong. Instead... this is what came out of it for me.
How amazing is the love of a parent to a child. Elizabeth Stone said "“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I resonate with this quotation so much. I can't even put into words what I would do for my children. I am by no means the perfect mom. But, I absolutely love my children. So much that when I even think about the possibility of something happening to them I can hardly take it. And when it comes down to something important, I would do anything for them. I can't promise them the biggest house or best clothes, but I can give them love. And when you stop and really think about the love you have for your children, you have one of the best pictures we can have on earth of God's love for us. Imagine, His love is greater than the love you have for your children. (I know, some of you are bringing out your mama-bear boxing gloves.."It's not greater than my love." "NOTHING is greater than MY love." Settle down. :) Maybe not anything on earth. But, God loves us more than we can imagine.
Last summer, the kids at Mega Sports Camp learned this song. It gave me chills...
Your love is deep.
Your love is high.
Your love is long.
Your love is wide.
Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I've traveled
Wider than the gap you fill.
Go ahead. Savor the love God has for you.
All of this sparked from an episode of "The Biggest Loser." I guess watching TV is a productive use of my time. :)
No, the tears I'm talking about came from the show "The Biggest Loser." Anybody else watch this show? I LOVE it. I used to watch it while eating a bowl (or two) of ice cream. Now, I'm taking big steps to eating popcorn while watching the show. Anyway, this week they had the dreaded "Red Line" at the weigh in . After all of the contestants weighed in, who ever had the least percentage of weight loss dropped below the Red Line and were automatically sent home. As the beginning of the show is happening they keep showing this girl and her dad working out. He does not want her to fall below the red line so he is on her all week to make sure she is working extra hard. She is one of the smallest girls there so he was concerned. They show him waking her up at 5:30 a.m. and hitting the gym. There are three other parents there with their kids. They are also extremely concerned about their kids going home before they do. Ok, there's the set up.
So, it's time for the weigh-in and blah, blah, blah a few people go, then it's time for the girl and her dad. She loses 7 lbs and he loses 11 lbs. You ROCK! Then the other dad... He gains 2 lbs. The first mom... Gains 1 lb. The second mom.. GAINS 8 POUNDS. Her daughter starts crying. Awesome drama for NBC. And then she explains. "Allison, you are a mom..." and begins to tell how she just could not let her daughter or one of these "kids" go home. She said the reason her daughter had the problem in the first place was because of her, and she wanted to make sure she got the chance to finish the change.
The rest of the contestants are crying. I am crying. Wow.
First of all, Kudos to her for telling the truth. There have been many times in this show where people obviously throw the weigh-in and they won't admit it. Like they can fool all of America. Sorry, I digressed. ;) What a sacrificial gift. It definitely tugged on my mom heart. She loved her daughter enough to put her first. I think for most moms, if it could ever be you instead of them, you would take it. My kids are little and I already have felt this way so many times. I don't want them to experience physical hurt, emotional pain, disapointment or failure.
After the crying stopped they showed a clip of the dad who lost 11 lbs. He said something to the effect of "sure it was nice what she did, but she went about it the wrong way." He didn't want his daughter to go home and so he pushed her. He didn't take three steps back just in case she had a bad week. He helped make sure she had done the work for a good week.
Let's not get into a discussion about whether the other girls did all they could, or who was right, or who was wrong. Instead... this is what came out of it for me.
How amazing is the love of a parent to a child. Elizabeth Stone said "“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." I resonate with this quotation so much. I can't even put into words what I would do for my children. I am by no means the perfect mom. But, I absolutely love my children. So much that when I even think about the possibility of something happening to them I can hardly take it. And when it comes down to something important, I would do anything for them. I can't promise them the biggest house or best clothes, but I can give them love. And when you stop and really think about the love you have for your children, you have one of the best pictures we can have on earth of God's love for us. Imagine, His love is greater than the love you have for your children. (I know, some of you are bringing out your mama-bear boxing gloves.."It's not greater than my love." "NOTHING is greater than MY love." Settle down. :) Maybe not anything on earth. But, God loves us more than we can imagine.
Last summer, the kids at Mega Sports Camp learned this song. It gave me chills...
Your love is deep.
Your love is high.
Your love is long.
Your love is wide.
Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I've traveled
Wider than the gap you fill.
Go ahead. Savor the love God has for you.
All of this sparked from an episode of "The Biggest Loser." I guess watching TV is a productive use of my time. :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
I Stole Their Heart(s)!
Wow, I can't believe it has been a week since I have "blogged." Amazing how even something that is so refreshing sometimes gets pushed aside in the business of life. Anyway, this is one that has been written in my mind for a few days now and has yet to make it onto paper... until now. :)
February 11th was my Father-in-law's 60th birthday. To celebrate we went out to eat at a Chinese buffet and had a great time. Well, almost everyone had a great time. Selah was in a mood. She was crying, clingy, and down-right grouchy. At one point she started to get in a better mood, and while the table was silent she said "What the heck?!" loudly. (By the way, it took a lot for me to share that. No, she doesn't hear that regularly. No, we don't say that. No, I'm not proud of it. So, please friends, don't judge me.) We all started laughing and that sent her over the top. She put her head down and was mad. We wrapped up pretty shortly after that and then headed home. I genuinely don't remember all of the details but the next few hours seriously stressed me out... to the point of tears. Finally, we got the kids to bed, and Barak headed to bed since he had an early morning and I was alone. Note: I SHOULD have gone to bed. Instead, I walked into the kitchen, had a big sigh, and started CRAVING chocolate. (Something that I was supposed to be doing without. Remember... Happy New You!) Anyway, I didn't have any and was disappointed until I remembered something that was on top of the fridge. My mom had sent some Valentine's Day packages home with me to save for the kids on Valentine's Day. There were four packages with equal amounts of candy, popcorn, and goodies in them nicely wrapped in cellophane and gathered together with ribbon. I stared. I picked one up. I examined it. I saw... a Reece's Peanut Butter Cup Heart. My FAVORITE. Oh, wow. I love them. So, I sneaked my fingers through the gathers of the cellophane and grabbed one out. I ate it. And then I thought "Well, that really isn't fair. They are going to realize that they are the only one without a PB Heart." So, I did what I thought was the most fair thing. I ate the other three. :)
It kind of makes me laugh when I actually admit to that.
So, the next Tuesday I was exercising with my good friend and workout partner and I confessed what I did to her. She said "Didn't you feel badly?" To which I replied "No." She said "Really?" I said "No." We laughed. Then we had a good conversation about my struggles with turning to food when I'm stressed. This was not a new talk, but one that needed to happen again. She said, let's just start with a small goal. You make it without sweets until we work out again together on Thursday. I said OK. And I did it! There were some moments that I wanted to cave (Like when there were 50 CASES of World's Finest Chocolate in my office for a fundraiser. Yeah, I didn't think that through!) but I didn't. I prayed. I redirected my cravings. I have been reading an amazing book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst and she talks about how we were made to crave God. To rely on him for strength. For comfort. For provision. NOT on food. NOT on Peanut Butter Hearts. :)
(((SIDE TRACK: By the way, an awesome book for anyone who is struggling with this. She is a fun author, yet absolutely connected to God. I felt like she stepped inside my head when she wrote it. )))
So, on Thursday my friend wasn't able to make it to work out before I had to leave. So, she texted me and said "I do need to talk to you though, so I will stop over." First of all, I was thinking "NUTS, my house is not in order." Next I thought, what in the world is this about. I texted back "Am I in trouble?" To which she responded "Did you do something to get in trouble?" Wow, she knows how to make me crazy! So I waited and then she came over and asked me how I did with sweets from Tuesday until then. I told her I had made it and was feeling good. She said "Awesome." And then handed me some eyeshadow. (more on that another day.) A little gift as a reward. What a sweet friend. So blessed by her. Thank you Cambria! :)
And to my sweet mom, I'm sorry I stole their Hearts! <3
February 11th was my Father-in-law's 60th birthday. To celebrate we went out to eat at a Chinese buffet and had a great time. Well, almost everyone had a great time. Selah was in a mood. She was crying, clingy, and down-right grouchy. At one point she started to get in a better mood, and while the table was silent she said "What the heck?!" loudly. (By the way, it took a lot for me to share that. No, she doesn't hear that regularly. No, we don't say that. No, I'm not proud of it. So, please friends, don't judge me.) We all started laughing and that sent her over the top. She put her head down and was mad. We wrapped up pretty shortly after that and then headed home. I genuinely don't remember all of the details but the next few hours seriously stressed me out... to the point of tears. Finally, we got the kids to bed, and Barak headed to bed since he had an early morning and I was alone. Note: I SHOULD have gone to bed. Instead, I walked into the kitchen, had a big sigh, and started CRAVING chocolate. (Something that I was supposed to be doing without. Remember... Happy New You!) Anyway, I didn't have any and was disappointed until I remembered something that was on top of the fridge. My mom had sent some Valentine's Day packages home with me to save for the kids on Valentine's Day. There were four packages with equal amounts of candy, popcorn, and goodies in them nicely wrapped in cellophane and gathered together with ribbon. I stared. I picked one up. I examined it. I saw... a Reece's Peanut Butter Cup Heart. My FAVORITE. Oh, wow. I love them. So, I sneaked my fingers through the gathers of the cellophane and grabbed one out. I ate it. And then I thought "Well, that really isn't fair. They are going to realize that they are the only one without a PB Heart." So, I did what I thought was the most fair thing. I ate the other three. :)
It kind of makes me laugh when I actually admit to that.
So, the next Tuesday I was exercising with my good friend and workout partner and I confessed what I did to her. She said "Didn't you feel badly?" To which I replied "No." She said "Really?" I said "No." We laughed. Then we had a good conversation about my struggles with turning to food when I'm stressed. This was not a new talk, but one that needed to happen again. She said, let's just start with a small goal. You make it without sweets until we work out again together on Thursday. I said OK. And I did it! There were some moments that I wanted to cave (Like when there were 50 CASES of World's Finest Chocolate in my office for a fundraiser. Yeah, I didn't think that through!) but I didn't. I prayed. I redirected my cravings. I have been reading an amazing book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst and she talks about how we were made to crave God. To rely on him for strength. For comfort. For provision. NOT on food. NOT on Peanut Butter Hearts. :)
(((SIDE TRACK: By the way, an awesome book for anyone who is struggling with this. She is a fun author, yet absolutely connected to God. I felt like she stepped inside my head when she wrote it. )))
So, on Thursday my friend wasn't able to make it to work out before I had to leave. So, she texted me and said "I do need to talk to you though, so I will stop over." First of all, I was thinking "NUTS, my house is not in order." Next I thought, what in the world is this about. I texted back "Am I in trouble?" To which she responded "Did you do something to get in trouble?" Wow, she knows how to make me crazy! So I waited and then she came over and asked me how I did with sweets from Tuesday until then. I told her I had made it and was feeling good. She said "Awesome." And then handed me some eyeshadow. (more on that another day.) A little gift as a reward. What a sweet friend. So blessed by her. Thank you Cambria! :)
And to my sweet mom, I'm sorry I stole their Hearts! <3
Monday, February 14, 2011
Love is PATIENT!!!
The rest of the day was very busy. I'm not sure if Selah just had a case of the "Monday's" or what, but she was not coping well with life. There was lots of her making mad faces, crossing her arms, throwing herself on the floor, yelling for me to hold her... you get the idea. *Sigh.*
In the morning I was able to grant extra grace to Selah, cuddle her, and move past the bad mood. But, by 4:00, I was just plain tired of it. But, I had a plan. I would put her to bed early, and send Joshua to bed early with Barak, and then head out on a "date" with Gideon and Hannah to our church fundraiser at Pizza Hut. So, early evening rolls around and Selah is exhausted! Pulling out all the stops! Mooooommmmmyyyyy. Hoooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllldddddddddddddddd meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. These words are nice at first, but moms I'm sure you are with me that the "hold me" demand gets old quickly. I put her in bed and sat next to her. I stared at her beautiful face and had a moment of peace. "Happy Valentine's Day Selah, I love you." She grabbed my head and kissed me on the cheek and said "I love you mom." In that moment, I truly was so blessed. I started thinking about the true meaning of love and parts of 1 Corinthians 13 were going through my head.
"Love is patient, Love is kind...."
And then..... she drifted off to sleep.... Not! (Am I still allowed to use the whole "not" thing or did that leave in 2005. I have no idea.) Anyway, I wish that was how the story ended but it wasn't. Then, she rolled over and started in on the whining and crying agian. She kept saying "moooooooooooommmmmmmmm." Then she would yell "I want a drink." Then, "I have to go potty." "I need other pajamas." Oh my, was I ever DONE by this point. I started uttering the point that God had just quickened in my heart "Love is patient, Love is kind." And she kept whining. "Love is patient, love is kind." I grew more and more frustrated. "Love is PATIENT!! Love is KIND. By this time imaginary smoke was blowing out of my ears.
Was this really too much to ask? A fun little dinner out with my older two children, in a quiet and relaxed setting! "LOVE IS PATIENT!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IS KIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNND!!!!
Wow. What an inaccurate and horrible picture of God's loved I portrayed in that moment.
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children, and live alive a life of love, just as Christ loved us and game himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1
On this day celebrating "love" I was reminded that God loves me even when I'm "unlovely." And I am to love others with that same love. I am to love those who are easy to love, and those who make it difficult. I am to love those who have hurt me. I am to love those who have frustrated me. I am to love those I know and those I don't know. I am to love when I am tired and when I am alert. I am to love... just as He loved us..
Happy Valentine's Day Friends!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Alarm Will Sound
Today after my son's swim meet we met my mom at Pizza Hut for lunch (YUM!). After we finished eating my mom used the restroom and I was getting a salad for my husband. I looked over and saw my son looking out the back door. You know, the "fire" door with the big sign on it that says "If you open this door the alarm will sound." I shook my head in an emphatic "NO!." As I was paying for the salad I looked over and saw him with his hand on the handle. I started saying "Do not touch that........" and then "OOOOO OHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOO OHHHHHHHHH. The siren started going off! Of course the whole restaurant looked over. The manager came and turned it off. As we were walking out I overheard a mom saying "See, that is why you aren't suppossed to touch that. Because the alarm goes off. Like that kid just did."
*Sigh*
Surprisingly, I really wasn't mortified by this whole experience. I have definitely had WAY worse happen in my 7 1/2 years of parenting, and I happened to be in a very good mood. (Lucky for him!) But I started thinking. Why did he do that? The sign clearly says "Do not open. Alarm will sound." And then he had to do it. As if since it said NOT to, he wanted to do it more. If it said "OPEN THIS DOOR." I'm sure he wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.
Aren't we the same way? Our spouse asks us to do something extra for them. Our boss tells us the way things should be. While praying for answers to a dilema in life we hear a quiet whisper from God that would require sacrifice and radical obedience... and we walk the other way. The rebel in us says "Yeah right, you aren't going to tell me what to do!"
I know this is a shocker but I'm actually a pretty "strong willed" person. I know. Ha. Ha. Ok, back on track. As much as I hate to admit it, I like to do things my way. Sometimes this means I end up not listening to what my husband, or a trusted friend, or God says. And I usually regret it.
In John 14:23 Jesus said, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching." I'm praying for a heart that wants to obey Him at ALL times. Because I love Him, and because I want His best for my life. I'm praying this for my son too... Yes, so he can experience abundant life in Christ. And....Yes, so I will not have to experience the embarrassement of the alarm going off again in Pizza Hut. :)
*Sigh*
Surprisingly, I really wasn't mortified by this whole experience. I have definitely had WAY worse happen in my 7 1/2 years of parenting, and I happened to be in a very good mood. (Lucky for him!) But I started thinking. Why did he do that? The sign clearly says "Do not open. Alarm will sound." And then he had to do it. As if since it said NOT to, he wanted to do it more. If it said "OPEN THIS DOOR." I'm sure he wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.
Aren't we the same way? Our spouse asks us to do something extra for them. Our boss tells us the way things should be. While praying for answers to a dilema in life we hear a quiet whisper from God that would require sacrifice and radical obedience... and we walk the other way. The rebel in us says "Yeah right, you aren't going to tell me what to do!"
I know this is a shocker but I'm actually a pretty "strong willed" person. I know. Ha. Ha. Ok, back on track. As much as I hate to admit it, I like to do things my way. Sometimes this means I end up not listening to what my husband, or a trusted friend, or God says. And I usually regret it.
In John 14:23 Jesus said, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching." I'm praying for a heart that wants to obey Him at ALL times. Because I love Him, and because I want His best for my life. I'm praying this for my son too... Yes, so he can experience abundant life in Christ. And....Yes, so I will not have to experience the embarrassement of the alarm going off again in Pizza Hut. :)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
An Inadequate Punch in the Gut
Today was Selah's Valentine's day party at preschool. All of the kids have Valentine's day parties in the next few days and have to bring cards for all of their friends. I was planning on being "fun" and letting the kids make their own cards, so we had gotten glitter and all that stuff on Tuesday. Well, after a foam berry got stuck in an ear and 5 hours (total) at the doctors I did not get to Selah's homemade cards. So, this morning we rushed around and headed to the store before her school. I grabbed a bag of suckers and a sharpie and then sat in the car and filled in "from Selah" part of the suckers. When I got to her school, walked her in her class, and saw the Valentine's mailboxes sitting out. And there it was. My first punch of in adequacy of the day. The beautiful celophane wrapped bag with a teal bow tied around it. It had a homemade sugar cookie in it, a balloon, a piece of candy, and a homemade tag that said "From George*" *The name has been changed. Wow. Definitely beat me for the day in the "cool mom" category. My suckers...well, sucked. ;)
I made a quick recovery telling myself something like "you can't do it all. She loves the suckers. blah, blah, blah" and headed to work at the college.
I got there and it was extremely quiet. Like, weird quiet. Not a single person was there and the class that is normally in session wasn't. I just went in my office and started plugging away. A bit later one of the profs came and told me that they were all in a symposium and apologized that the word hadn't gottten to me. They were hearing a few former students speak on growing more Christlike while in Christian ministry. He told me their names and they were all students I went to school with... AMAZING ones at that, and are doing awesome things in ministry today. He invited me to come over around 11. Hearing this I think "Ok, not a big deal. I'm only there 2 days a week and things slip through the cracks. Sounds like a good opportunity to see your old friends." But that's not what I thought at the moment. No, at that moment I got a huge punch of inadequacy straight to my gut. I welled up in tears like a 7th grader and shut my office door. I pulled out my Bible and read a chapter, but I still had all of these feelings rushing around. Feelings of inadequacy. I started texting Barak and telling him what was going on. I sent him a message that said "Part of me wants to go see them but the other part of me just feels stupid, like they will think 'There's Melissa, she used to be great but now she's not." I followed this message with another one that said "Sorry about the meltdown." ;)
In my ridiculous, tainted, worldly thoughts, I reverted back to comparing myself to others and feel as though my worth came from how I measured up to them. Back in the "day" I received this award during my senior year called the Forester Award. Only one student got it from each department and I received it from the Ministry department. I was truly shocked and yet it was something that really meant a lot to me-mostly because I graduated with amazing men and women. And yet, through the years whenver I have thought of this I almost feel sad. I feel completely undeserving and like I haven't measured up to the ministry expectations that people saw in me when I graduated. Today was a clear picture that I wasn't *quite* over those feelings. Hence, the ridiculous crying spell in my office. Good thing I was the only one there!
But, after my "moment" I started to pray and think about it, and I began to feel peace. I had pieces of scripture come to mind like "My grace is sufficient for you." And I paused. And I thought about where I was in life instead of that "amazing" youth ministry that I thought I would be in. I thought about Gideon. Hannah. Joshua. Selah. About getting to take my inadequate suckers to the Valentine's party. And I felt the grace of God. I felt the love of God. As if he were saying "I am adequate, and if you remain in me, you are too..." Even if my suckers, well, you know. :)
I made a quick recovery telling myself something like "you can't do it all. She loves the suckers. blah, blah, blah" and headed to work at the college.
I got there and it was extremely quiet. Like, weird quiet. Not a single person was there and the class that is normally in session wasn't. I just went in my office and started plugging away. A bit later one of the profs came and told me that they were all in a symposium and apologized that the word hadn't gottten to me. They were hearing a few former students speak on growing more Christlike while in Christian ministry. He told me their names and they were all students I went to school with... AMAZING ones at that, and are doing awesome things in ministry today. He invited me to come over around 11. Hearing this I think "Ok, not a big deal. I'm only there 2 days a week and things slip through the cracks. Sounds like a good opportunity to see your old friends." But that's not what I thought at the moment. No, at that moment I got a huge punch of inadequacy straight to my gut. I welled up in tears like a 7th grader and shut my office door. I pulled out my Bible and read a chapter, but I still had all of these feelings rushing around. Feelings of inadequacy. I started texting Barak and telling him what was going on. I sent him a message that said "Part of me wants to go see them but the other part of me just feels stupid, like they will think 'There's Melissa, she used to be great but now she's not." I followed this message with another one that said "Sorry about the meltdown." ;)
In my ridiculous, tainted, worldly thoughts, I reverted back to comparing myself to others and feel as though my worth came from how I measured up to them. Back in the "day" I received this award during my senior year called the Forester Award. Only one student got it from each department and I received it from the Ministry department. I was truly shocked and yet it was something that really meant a lot to me-mostly because I graduated with amazing men and women. And yet, through the years whenver I have thought of this I almost feel sad. I feel completely undeserving and like I haven't measured up to the ministry expectations that people saw in me when I graduated. Today was a clear picture that I wasn't *quite* over those feelings. Hence, the ridiculous crying spell in my office. Good thing I was the only one there!
But, after my "moment" I started to pray and think about it, and I began to feel peace. I had pieces of scripture come to mind like "My grace is sufficient for you." And I paused. And I thought about where I was in life instead of that "amazing" youth ministry that I thought I would be in. I thought about Gideon. Hannah. Joshua. Selah. About getting to take my inadequate suckers to the Valentine's party. And I felt the grace of God. I felt the love of God. As if he were saying "I am adequate, and if you remain in me, you are too..." Even if my suckers, well, you know. :)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Stuck!
Today started awesome. Got up at 5:22 a.m., took a shower, had a date with God, got the kids ready for school without any problems, and we were EARLY to school. The morning and early afternoon went well, and then Joshua and Selah came with me to get Gideon and Hannah from school because Barak wasn't feeling well and was taking a nap. After school we stopped at the store to get some Valentine Card making supplies. Then we came home and did homework. The kids started making cards. There was glitter everywhere. You get the picture. Needless to say my bloodpressure was rising and I was getting stressed. No one was really being bad... I was just kind of "done." Been there?
The light at the end of the tunnel was that at 5:00 Gideon had swim practice and we were all going to the Y. The other kids would be in their classes and I would have an hour and a half to work out with a good friend. Beautiful.
It took 30 minutes to get from inside our house and in the car. Joshua was playing around and avoiding getting in the car and I finally said (in a voice a 'touch' louder than normal) "SHUT THE BUCKLE AND GET IN YOUR DOOR!" He started cracking up... which made me crack up and lightened the whole mood.
On the way to the Y the kids were being loud and crazy, but in a fun way. I was counting down the minutes until my alone time...err, my workout. Everyone quieted down and Hannah said calmly "Mom, Gideon and I were just being silly and now it's stuck and I can't get it out." "What's stuck?" I asked. "The berry," she said. (After a few moments of questioning I discovered she was talking about a fake berry from a decoration in my trunk that was on it's way to a new home.) "Where is it stuck?" Hannah said "My ear."
Shocked, I just started laughing. Hilarious! I genuinely thought I was gonna wet my pants (cross that off my list! Woohoo!) I started asking her about how it happened. Then she said "It's not funny mom!" At that moment I did stop laughing and genuinely felt badly. But, I still didn't think it would be a big deal. We pulled up to the Y and I dropped Gideon off for swimming. I parked the car to take a look at her ear and figured we would be right inside. BOY DID I NEED A BREAK! I looked at her ear and to my surprise... it was STUCK! Like, really stuck. Sigh.
Good thing the Y is really close to our doctor's office. We drove on over and slipped in the waiting room. The nurse came out to talk to me and said "Hey, I remember you. She (pointing to Selah) had the broken leg." I remembered how kind this nurse had been on another crazy day at 5:00 (that's a story for another day) and was thankful to see her! "Melissa! The broken leg nurse. Yay!" I then asked her if it would be a good idea to use my handheld dyson to suck the berry out of her ear and she said "No." But, they did agree to see Hannah after their last 3 patients. I'm not gonna lie, I was having a selfish moment. "Really?! I have to sit in the doctors office for an hour with 3 wild children. UGH!" But I got over it and we played Simon Says, took a walk and got in and saw the nurse practitioner. She tried getting it out and couldn't. It hurt pretty badly when she did it and Hannah started crying. Then the doctor came in and took a look. He felt like it was too far in there and that she should see an ENT who could get it out more easily. He didn't think it was an emergency or anything. So, we were on our way and will see the ENT tomorrow. 7 1/2 years and I've never had to deal with a foreign object stuck in an ear. Motherhood. You never know what to expect!
I will say that I have had MANY unexpected moments during my years as a mom. But what made today different was that, at the end of the day, I reacted differently than I usually do. After the doctor's office, we still went to the Y and I exercised. I usually would have used this as a great excuse to skip. I would've headed home and stopped by the gas station and gotten and nice little (or king size) treat to sort of ease the pain. I would've gotten frustrated and rushed to get the kids in bed ASAP so I could chill. Trust me. I wanted to. And it took me a few minutes to turn to God and make a different choice, but I did. I LITERALLY had to ask for strength to make the right choice. And after taking the kids to their own classes I finally had a breather. I even ran into a friend from college and had a great time catching up while on the elliptical machine. Then I ran a mile. Not my most awesome workout , but I felt great afterwards... I feel like I'm starting to get "un-stuck." Maybe tomorrow the object in Hannah's ear will be too. ;)
The light at the end of the tunnel was that at 5:00 Gideon had swim practice and we were all going to the Y. The other kids would be in their classes and I would have an hour and a half to work out with a good friend. Beautiful.
It took 30 minutes to get from inside our house and in the car. Joshua was playing around and avoiding getting in the car and I finally said (in a voice a 'touch' louder than normal) "SHUT THE BUCKLE AND GET IN YOUR DOOR!" He started cracking up... which made me crack up and lightened the whole mood.
On the way to the Y the kids were being loud and crazy, but in a fun way. I was counting down the minutes until my alone time...err, my workout. Everyone quieted down and Hannah said calmly "Mom, Gideon and I were just being silly and now it's stuck and I can't get it out." "What's stuck?" I asked. "The berry," she said. (After a few moments of questioning I discovered she was talking about a fake berry from a decoration in my trunk that was on it's way to a new home.) "Where is it stuck?" Hannah said "My ear."
Shocked, I just started laughing. Hilarious! I genuinely thought I was gonna wet my pants (cross that off my list! Woohoo!) I started asking her about how it happened. Then she said "It's not funny mom!" At that moment I did stop laughing and genuinely felt badly. But, I still didn't think it would be a big deal. We pulled up to the Y and I dropped Gideon off for swimming. I parked the car to take a look at her ear and figured we would be right inside. BOY DID I NEED A BREAK! I looked at her ear and to my surprise... it was STUCK! Like, really stuck. Sigh.
Good thing the Y is really close to our doctor's office. We drove on over and slipped in the waiting room. The nurse came out to talk to me and said "Hey, I remember you. She (pointing to Selah) had the broken leg." I remembered how kind this nurse had been on another crazy day at 5:00 (that's a story for another day) and was thankful to see her! "Melissa! The broken leg nurse. Yay!" I then asked her if it would be a good idea to use my handheld dyson to suck the berry out of her ear and she said "No." But, they did agree to see Hannah after their last 3 patients. I'm not gonna lie, I was having a selfish moment. "Really?! I have to sit in the doctors office for an hour with 3 wild children. UGH!" But I got over it and we played Simon Says, took a walk and got in and saw the nurse practitioner. She tried getting it out and couldn't. It hurt pretty badly when she did it and Hannah started crying. Then the doctor came in and took a look. He felt like it was too far in there and that she should see an ENT who could get it out more easily. He didn't think it was an emergency or anything. So, we were on our way and will see the ENT tomorrow. 7 1/2 years and I've never had to deal with a foreign object stuck in an ear. Motherhood. You never know what to expect!
I will say that I have had MANY unexpected moments during my years as a mom. But what made today different was that, at the end of the day, I reacted differently than I usually do. After the doctor's office, we still went to the Y and I exercised. I usually would have used this as a great excuse to skip. I would've headed home and stopped by the gas station and gotten and nice little (or king size) treat to sort of ease the pain. I would've gotten frustrated and rushed to get the kids in bed ASAP so I could chill. Trust me. I wanted to. And it took me a few minutes to turn to God and make a different choice, but I did. I LITERALLY had to ask for strength to make the right choice. And after taking the kids to their own classes I finally had a breather. I even ran into a friend from college and had a great time catching up while on the elliptical machine. Then I ran a mile. Not my most awesome workout , but I felt great afterwards... I feel like I'm starting to get "un-stuck." Maybe tomorrow the object in Hannah's ear will be too. ;)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Trashiest People on the Block
It's true. We are, without a doubt, the trashiest people on the block. That is, we have a lot of trash! ;)
Trash day is usually on Wednesdays, but this past Wed was the Blizzard of 2011, so we did not put the trash out. Randomly, the trash truck came zooming past on Friday early morning. I promise it took everything in me not to run out there in my pjs yelling 'Come get my trash!!!' Now, we have two weeks of trash piling up and it is nasty! I can't wait until Wednesday because it means all of this waste will be gone. The 'trash spot' outside will be clear, making the whole house look better. I LOVE trash day. I know, I'm weird.
The second half of 2 Corinthians 5:17 says 'the old has gone, the new has come.' I've been thinking about what 'old trash' I need to get rid of in my life. What things, physically and spiritually are keeping me from being the 'me' I want to be? Why do I hold on to some of this 'junk' so dearly? I'm spending so time praying about this during the beginning part of my journey. In the past, I've usually skipped this part. I begin with implementing something new (like exercise) without getting rid of something old (like eating a bag of cookies at 9pm!) As you can imagine, this approach isn't very effective! Thankfully, our God is a God of new beginnings. I wont go so far to say He is like the trash man... but I think you get the idea!
Trash day is usually on Wednesdays, but this past Wed was the Blizzard of 2011, so we did not put the trash out. Randomly, the trash truck came zooming past on Friday early morning. I promise it took everything in me not to run out there in my pjs yelling 'Come get my trash!!!' Now, we have two weeks of trash piling up and it is nasty! I can't wait until Wednesday because it means all of this waste will be gone. The 'trash spot' outside will be clear, making the whole house look better. I LOVE trash day. I know, I'm weird.
The second half of 2 Corinthians 5:17 says 'the old has gone, the new has come.' I've been thinking about what 'old trash' I need to get rid of in my life. What things, physically and spiritually are keeping me from being the 'me' I want to be? Why do I hold on to some of this 'junk' so dearly? I'm spending so time praying about this during the beginning part of my journey. In the past, I've usually skipped this part. I begin with implementing something new (like exercise) without getting rid of something old (like eating a bag of cookies at 9pm!) As you can imagine, this approach isn't very effective! Thankfully, our God is a God of new beginnings. I wont go so far to say He is like the trash man... but I think you get the idea!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7
Sunday, February 6, 2011
*Focus*
"Focus, mom. Focus." My 6 year old daughter told me this for the first time about two months ago. "Mom, you have to focus. "What do you mean?" I asked. Like when I ask you to get something and you say you will get it and then you stop and do something else first. Just do what you said first!" Wow. Ouch.
Today I was making burritos for our SuperBowl dinner with some friends. My daughters were "helping," I had the meat cooking, was trying to cut up lettuce, make guacamole, put the cheese in a bowl, cook the refried beans, and find the torillas when I noticed a huge smile on my friends face. "What?" I said lightleartedly. Are you laughing at how much I have going on?!" Then I told her what my daughter had said and she replied "She knows you well!"
I think most moms would agree that multitasking is an important part of our job. I agree and have often taken pride at how many things I can do at the same time... ahem, or try to do. But I remember one time Oprah saying (and NO, I do not sit around eating bon-bons and watching her... this was pretty much a one time deal!) that it is often less productive to multitask because of how distracted you can become.
Tonight I feel a bit distracted (and SLEEPY!!!) There is a lot to juggle in my world, and sometimes I feel like I'm so busy doing EVERYTHING, that really I end up getting NOTHING done! I have had some amazing God moments lately and feel like I have a picture of the goals I need to work on. But now, it's time to flesh these goals out into a plan. Time to do what I said I would do before moving on to something else. Time to focus. But first, time for bed :)
Today I was making burritos for our SuperBowl dinner with some friends. My daughters were "helping," I had the meat cooking, was trying to cut up lettuce, make guacamole, put the cheese in a bowl, cook the refried beans, and find the torillas when I noticed a huge smile on my friends face. "What?" I said lightleartedly. Are you laughing at how much I have going on?!" Then I told her what my daughter had said and she replied "She knows you well!"
I think most moms would agree that multitasking is an important part of our job. I agree and have often taken pride at how many things I can do at the same time... ahem, or try to do. But I remember one time Oprah saying (and NO, I do not sit around eating bon-bons and watching her... this was pretty much a one time deal!) that it is often less productive to multitask because of how distracted you can become.
Tonight I feel a bit distracted (and SLEEPY!!!) There is a lot to juggle in my world, and sometimes I feel like I'm so busy doing EVERYTHING, that really I end up getting NOTHING done! I have had some amazing God moments lately and feel like I have a picture of the goals I need to work on. But now, it's time to flesh these goals out into a plan. Time to do what I said I would do before moving on to something else. Time to focus. But first, time for bed :)
Friday, February 4, 2011
My 1st Post...Ever!
Wow, this is a lost of pressure! My first posting on my first blog EVER! I'm just getting started and am already feeling so much freedom from expressing how I feel. I have titled this blog "Happy New You" because I am on a journey of pursuing the "Me" I believe Christ wants me to be. I have always loved journaling and thought this would be a way for me to put my thoughts on "paper." While I'm nervous about being vulnerable, I'm excited about what God is going to do in my life and looking forward to the friendships that are built or strengthened a long the way. You can read more about this on my "Happy New You" tab. How cool is that?! Day one, and I <3 blogging!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)