Today was Selah's Valentine's day party at preschool. All of the kids have Valentine's day parties in the next few days and have to bring cards for all of their friends. I was planning on being "fun" and letting the kids make their own cards, so we had gotten glitter and all that stuff on Tuesday. Well, after a foam berry got stuck in an ear and 5 hours (total) at the doctors I did not get to Selah's homemade cards. So, this morning we rushed around and headed to the store before her school. I grabbed a bag of suckers and a sharpie and then sat in the car and filled in "from Selah" part of the suckers. When I got to her school, walked her in her class, and saw the Valentine's mailboxes sitting out. And there it was. My first punch of in adequacy of the day. The beautiful celophane wrapped bag with a teal bow tied around it. It had a homemade sugar cookie in it, a balloon, a piece of candy, and a homemade tag that said "From George*" *The name has been changed. Wow. Definitely beat me for the day in the "cool mom" category. My suckers...well, sucked. ;)
I made a quick recovery telling myself something like "you can't do it all. She loves the suckers. blah, blah, blah" and headed to work at the college.
I got there and it was extremely quiet. Like, weird quiet. Not a single person was there and the class that is normally in session wasn't. I just went in my office and started plugging away. A bit later one of the profs came and told me that they were all in a symposium and apologized that the word hadn't gottten to me. They were hearing a few former students speak on growing more Christlike while in Christian ministry. He told me their names and they were all students I went to school with... AMAZING ones at that, and are doing awesome things in ministry today. He invited me to come over around 11. Hearing this I think "Ok, not a big deal. I'm only there 2 days a week and things slip through the cracks. Sounds like a good opportunity to see your old friends." But that's not what I thought at the moment. No, at that moment I got a huge punch of inadequacy straight to my gut. I welled up in tears like a 7th grader and shut my office door. I pulled out my Bible and read a chapter, but I still had all of these feelings rushing around. Feelings of inadequacy. I started texting Barak and telling him what was going on. I sent him a message that said "Part of me wants to go see them but the other part of me just feels stupid, like they will think 'There's Melissa, she used to be great but now she's not." I followed this message with another one that said "Sorry about the meltdown." ;)
In my ridiculous, tainted, worldly thoughts, I reverted back to comparing myself to others and feel as though my worth came from how I measured up to them. Back in the "day" I received this award during my senior year called the Forester Award. Only one student got it from each department and I received it from the Ministry department. I was truly shocked and yet it was something that really meant a lot to me-mostly because I graduated with amazing men and women. And yet, through the years whenver I have thought of this I almost feel sad. I feel completely undeserving and like I haven't measured up to the ministry expectations that people saw in me when I graduated. Today was a clear picture that I wasn't *quite* over those feelings. Hence, the ridiculous crying spell in my office. Good thing I was the only one there!
But, after my "moment" I started to pray and think about it, and I began to feel peace. I had pieces of scripture come to mind like "My grace is sufficient for you." And I paused. And I thought about where I was in life instead of that "amazing" youth ministry that I thought I would be in. I thought about Gideon. Hannah. Joshua. Selah. About getting to take my inadequate suckers to the Valentine's party. And I felt the grace of God. I felt the love of God. As if he were saying "I am adequate, and if you remain in me, you are too..." Even if my suckers, well, you know. :)
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